The 2013 Viper GTS: Americas First, Last and Only Word in Speed

The Viper GTS line of cars has always been Dodge's high-end, European-style sports cars. Representing the high-end of GM's market, they have been a hit at auto shows all over the world, and are exceedingly popular among speed enthusiasts. With a V10 engine, lightweight construction and incredible amounts of horsepower, it can outrun and out corner almost any other street legal vehicle on the market. It also costs much less than its Japanese or German counterparts, making it an attractive option for street and weekend racers.

The 2013 Viper is, unlike the two previous generations of Viper, a completely new design. Rather than updating older frames and layouts, the decision was made to develop an entirely new engine, body and frame. This maximizes speed and performance and enabled Dodge to throw out many of the limitations and compromises inherent in previous Viper designs. It thus has power, features and handling unlike any other Viper. It is also larger, longer and heavier, with a unique design and layout.

Unlike almost any other modern car, the 2013 Viper GTS has an enormous hood, with the cabin of the car pushed into the rear third of the vehicle. This has been done to make room for the enormous 640 hp V10 engine, which is among the most powerful ever to have been placed in an American sports car. In fact, it produces more torque than any other naturally aspirated street legal car. This enables the 2013 Viper GTS to travel at almost 200mph in a straight line. It also has superb acceleration, going from 0 to 60 in under five seconds. This enables it to compete with many Italian super cars in terms of speed and acceleration.

The 2013 Viper GTS is also the first Viper to integrate traction and steering controls to maximize handling and ensure that the vehicle is very easy and tame to drive. While it has a manual transmission only, dashboard lights supplement the tachometer to ensure that drivers shift at the right moment. The vehicle has advanced, computer-controlled traction control which enables the wheels to grip and brake independently and perfectly, ensuring perfect handling even in the hands of an unskilled driver. This also enables the Viper to corner much better than previous models, although it retains the FR layout and does not have all-wheel drive. The independent braking system uses ceramic disc brakes, enabling it to go from top speed to a dead stop in seconds...

Is Edmonton’s loss the Northwest’s gain?

By now you’ve probably heard that the Edmonton IndyCar race has been canceled - which is a sad day indeed; as I can personally attest to how wonderful the people & atmosphere is there, having personally attended the 2010 event... Having been solely enticed by Team ‘KanaDuh’s Mike Cockrall, albeit I didn’t ever get my Pace Car ride with thee Mayor ‘O Hinchtown. Which even if it was a Honda Civic/Accord, who cares. That woulda been an absolute hoot!

Thus I found it even more shocking that none other than the Edmonton Oilers owners were in Seattle recently to discuss the possibility of relocating to the newly approved Arena project being backed by Chris Hansen in attempts to return the NBA to Seattle, along with adding an NHL franchise to the Pacific Northwest . As the new purpose built 18,000-seat complex would be located in Downtown Seattle nearby ‘Der Clink (Century Link) and Safeco Field.

Seattle feels Edmonton’s Arena pains

As Y’all may be aware of Century Link field right now, as apparently their was ‘somme-thun known as “The Call” that just occurred there, right? As somehow I’m imagining there’ll be a whole lotta Golden Tate jerseys being sold this week, eh?

And I’m still shocked over the possibility of the Oilers moving to the Emerald City? As surely such a storied franchise wouldn’t move, would it? Or is this just one more glimpse of the current lockout & the money grubbing owner’s attempts to get hold of every single Looney... As I’m not sure what Edmontonians’ would do without their beloved Hockey, eh? And I really don’t wish to see the practice of throwing fish on the ice return - which has been a Seattle minor hockey league tradition; but it’d be kinda funny to have Wayne Gretsky Boulevard driving past a vacant hockey arena, right?

And somehow even though it was intended as a Freudian slip when I scribbled this was Edmonton’s last race, albeit knowing they had a 3-year extension deal - which had been the motivating factor in my quest to attend the 2010 race, which was then to be the cities last event before the new agreement... Needless to say, that all the way from here in my ‘lil Abode in the Jet City I really wasn’t privy to, nor know the exact causes of Edmonton’s failure, other than it seems like its always been treated as Toronto’s red-headed ‘Step-seester!

Jones: Edmonton Indy dead for now

As it appears that Octane Motorsports, the races promoter, who is responsible for the Canadian Grand Prix never truly got behind their Edmonton venture, promotions-wise, as its funny how Rexall, who ironically owns the naming rights to the Oilers Arena has been absent as title sponsor since the new agreement was struck... As we all know that wonderful tag-line “It’s the Economy’s fault,” right?

As I can understand the locals disgust towards Octane and the sensible decision to walk away from IndyCar after throwing away $22m, yet notice the related income benefits of $80m reportedly to the cities coffers, not to mention lets recall how the Edmonton race was cancelled once before...

And I sincerely do not wish to see Edmonton lose its race, especially for Team ‘KanaDuh’s sake - as Messer Cockrall has toiled mightily to keep this race alive and vibrant... Not to mention the people were absolutely great and definitely knew their racing Up North Eh!

Yet if this does transpire, especially with the Trackside Boyz tossing out the tidbit that Providence, Road Island is within easy reach of Montreal, might this be part of Edmonton’s impending demise? Especially since I’d signed the petition back in 2010 to save the airport which is slated for urban redevelopment sometime in the near future; Hmm? Why do the circuits Riverside and Westwood come to mind?

Recall back in ’10 that Calgary was hinted to as a possible replacement for Edmonton’s demise, which is supposedly just a 3-hour drive... While I’d love to see a return to Vancouver, BC personally; especially since its just three hours north on I-5, depending upon the border crossing traffic, etc, now that the Winter Olympics are a fleeting memory, eh?

And then again there’s still my wistful dreaming of a return to my adopted Hometrack just across the Columbia River in Portland, Oregon; Y’all know Portland Int’l Raceway or whatever it’s called these days, since I’m led to believe its changed hands... As it’s also just a 3hr drive south upon Interstate 5...

And even though I’m NOT a fan of Double Header weekends, which reeks of Junior formulae to Mwah, albeit having attended one such event in my life, a late 1980’s Toyota Atlantics West race at the then Seattle International Raceways in Kent, WA; subsequently returned to its original name of Pacific Raceways... I haveda say that  Team ‘KanaDuh’s comments about running Edmonton twice, once in each direction makes me ponder how entertaining this sort of “Double” would be at Portland, albeit I don’t know if its even remotely possible? Nevertheless Mr. CandyMann; “Here’s your Sign!”

Hey IndyCar - I think Portland’s still Available!

Singapore F1 Race lights Up the Night

Its funny how three days ago seemingly can be a blur, since I did indeed gorge Thyself upon all three days of SPEED’s Formula 1 television coverage plus the always entertaining F1 Debrief; which satirically ended with Professor Matchett telling ‘Hobbo whilst plugging the new video game: Everyone ontrack around you is FASTER than you, can you please confirm that David Hobbs; Hya!

Yet, I really don’t recall anything overly riveting ‘bout Friday’s Free Practise-2 ‘Telie coverage, perhaps since I got up in-time to watch it live at 6:30AM? As I do recall much blather being expended upon Mark ‘Handlebarz Webber’s new helmet, designed by the winner of some charity contest; along with babbling on ‘bout Master ‘Zebb’s new “Blingy” sparkly helmet, as Vettel was fastest in both practice sessions. Oh yeah, I recall Team ‘Willy’s Bruno Senna clouting the wall and causing a REAL red flag stoppage period...

Saturday’s ‘Qualie session was fairly entertaining, as the Booth Boyz thoroughly expected Vettel to snatch Pole after having been fastest in every practice session... Thus, I was surprised when “Louise” ‘JAGUAR Hamilton pulled a flyer out of the bag and vaulted to P1, but the real surprise of Q3 was Williams Pastor Maldonado, who nary a word was spoken about until qualifying was over, when the SPEED Boyz mumbled in disbelief saying surely not only was Hamilton wondering where he’d come from but Vettel musta been asking himself the same question, as Maldonado nipped the German for second en route to securing his second front-row starting position.

Yet in Pastor’s defense, I did see that he finished fifth quick in Q2 and does seem to like street circuits and perform well upon them. Yet even more entertaining was the unique punishment handed out to Marussia’s rookie piloto Charles Pic who did a B-I-G NoNo when passing others ontrack whilst a red flag was thrown for Caterham’s Vitaly ‘VO5 Petrov’s stricken race car...

Pic gets Community service

Yet on the flip side, the Marussia of team leader Timo Glock finished an impressive twelfth, three places ahead of Caterham’s ‘KOVY (Kovalainen) and without KERS... Thus wouldn’t it be funny if Marussia became the first of the “Junior Teams,” nee Caterham, Hispania and Marussia to score the almighty F1 Constructors points? As I’d expect this honour to go to Caterham instead; as Sunday’s race was looking like somewhat of a snoozer with Hamilton leading from Pole, while both Vettel and Hamilton’s teammate ‘JENSE had gotten around Maldonado, who then settled into fourth place. But the race changed dramatically when Hamilton’s gearbox suddenly went south - forcing Lewis  to retire as the in-car replay played the narly sounds of his gearbox tearing itself apart followed by a delayed radio transmission saying; we did the best we could yesterday - great drive up to then Lewis...

And although Vettel would lead the rest of the race en route to victory, it was a real Donnybrook behind him, with not one but two safety car periods and lots of hard fought passing, and a great battle over the podium’s final step between Maldonado and ‘Fredrico Suave (Alonso) before Williams informed Pastor he needed to retire due to hydraulics issue; SHEISA!

As it was an even crueler fate played upon Maldonado’s teammate Bruno Senna who suffered a Hydraulics failure on the races very final lap...

And I just LOL’ed over DER TERMINATOR’s apparent brain fade, when the elder statesman rammed an unsuspecting “JEV,” (Jean-Eric Vergne) the youngest driver on the grid up his Scuderia Toro Rosso’s tailpipe; Aye Karumba! As I had to play back the Mercedes GP engineer’s radio message a few times as he was heard incredulously saying “What was that???” As Michael Schumacher has since been given a 10-grid spot penalty for Suzuka...

While I read somewhere that it was Herr Sckewmacher’s seventh retirement in fourteen races this season; Hmm? 50% finishing rate, Ahem! I think its time to hang up your helmet Michael.

Thus Vettel led Button and Alonso across the stripe, en route to his 23^rd victory and clawed back 10-points from current points leader Alonso, who with six races remaining is 29-points ahead, with previous second place man Hamilton dropping to fourth, with unlikely world champion candidate Lotuses Kimi Raikkonen third. As much conjecture was made out of the fact that Sebastian is in the exact same place from where he stole the 2010 title from Fernando who then led by 31-points; to which Vettel had fun with a playful jab towards the Ferrari driver in the podium interviews...

And I’m not sure if I agreed with the penalty upon Webber who apparently gained an advantage over Sauber’s Kamui Kobayashi

 when passing for the final points position - who was subsequently given a 20-second penalty which ironically vaulted “K-Squared’s” (Kobayashi) teammate Sergio Perez to P10...

Stats

2012 Singapore GP results

2012 Point Standings

Drive of the Race

Surely this must go to la Scuderia’s Felipe Massa, who suffered a cut tyre in the beginning, dropped all the way to stone last before racing his way up to eighth place after an exhilarating rally style pass of ‘K-Squared. As SPEED’s Willie Buxom (Will Buxton) rightfully quipped; give him a contract and a set of new (under) pants!

Trivia

Funny to find out via SPEED’s StatRatt that I was actually in attendance as a fresh faced lad at Formula 1’s last completely dry race to incur the 2hr time limit, which occurred at the 1991 Iceberg Grand Prix at Phoenix, Arizona; CRIKEYS! Although apparently there weren’t any red flags, just the fact that the season opener was 81-laps in duration, which required 2h00m47.828s (2-hours) for Ayrton Senna to complete aboard his Mclaren-Honda V-12 ahead of arch nemesis Alain Prost’s Ferrari and Nelson Piquet’s Benetton-Ford, shod with Pirelli tyres...

RETRO: Phoenix’s last Grand Prix - Two Decades ago almost slipped past

An Interview with Red Bull’s Mark Webber...

This was recently sent to the No Fenders mailbox, and it’s a pretty entertaining interview with Red Bull Racing’s Mark Webber, who currently lies fifth in the 2012 Formula 1 Drivers Championship.

The content was gathered by the Red Bull Spy at the Belgian race, and the Spy will be following the Red Bull Racing team closely at Singapore this weekend and more Webber info can be found in the Red Bull Racing Spy app...

Mark Webber interview
1. You were at the Olympic Stadium on the night Mo Farah won the 5,000m. How did that atmosphere compare to what you experience on a Grand Prix weekend?


I think it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life to see him win that. The atmosphere was incredible and it is something we do not experience as drivers. When we race we are in our own bubble. The crowd was deafening, I was pretty close to the track and could see his face, what was at stake for him, the years of effort that went into those last four laps. The race was awe-inspiring.

2. If you had to leave Red Bull tomorrow, but had the choice of a spare seat with any other team in the F1 paddock, which seat would you choose, and why?


It’s tricky. I know a lot of the guys at Enstone and Lotus is a team that is probably closest to Red Bull in terms not taking themselves too seriously but still have a very clear focus and goal of being competitive. I think the atmosphere would be good there. And, Ferrari, obviously, from a romantic perspective. All the drivers know that it is a special team. In the end, I am really happy at Red Bull. I wake up each morning knowing I have a sensational team of guys around me and I love driving here.

3. You're famous for racing in four-wheeled motorsport, but are a fan of two-wheels, too.  Tell us a bit about that.

Well, I started on motor bikes as a youngster; my dad had a motorbike shop for about 20 years. I suppose this is where my passion for motorbikes came from. I had several different bikes growing up and I watched asphalt racing and dirt racing. I used to watch Mick Doohan, Wayne Gardner, Kevin Schwantz - I would never missed a race on TV. I also liked to watch a bit of motocross, now speedway and Isle of Man TT. I have done a few track days on motor bikes, I am absolutely no where near the level of performance of the pros, but I have a strong appreciation for what their talents are.

4. If you had to switch sports, what would you choose to compete in, and why?


That’s tough. I am not good enough at any other sports, so I don’t have the luxury of picking and choosing, but if could have the magic touch, it would be good to be faster than Usain Bolt.

5. Who are your top three all-time sporting heroes?


Bloody hell, that’s tough. Mohammed Ali. What Ali stood for, out of the ring more than even in the ring. He is still before his time; no one else is like Ali. Most sports men and woman around the world know he’s the guy. Closer to home it would have to be motorbike racer Mick Doohan. Mick raced with some horrendous injuries, he really pushed himself and the bar was just about him, he wasn’t racing anyone else, he was racing himself, which is why he probably kept getting injured. It was inspiring to watch him race. In Formula 1, I think Senna. Ayrton was genuinely human. He was humble, real and a brutal competitor. He had a privileged upbringing but he never forgot how fortunate he was. That was a great quality he had.

All information in this article was thanks to the Red Bull Racing Spy. To follow the performance of both Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber for the rest of the Championship and keep up to date with all the gossip from inside the paddock, download the FREE app here: http://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/red-bull-racing-spy/id504350767?mt=8 or search for the Red Bull Racing Spy in the app store...

(Photos courtesy of Jilly Gray)

Late Show Homecoming...

Thanxs to the Heads-up by Mr. ChiPs of Indy Racing Revolution fame... RHR, more fondly known here at No Fenders as BULLY-RAY! A.k.a. Ryan Hunter-Reay, your 2012 Indy Car Series champion... Will be on the Late Show with David Letterman tonight; and I say homecoming since RHR once  drove for Mr. Letterman & Meesh’s favourite team owner Bobby Rahal, so set them recordin’ devices if you’re in the mood for some of Dave’s witty repartee...

Fastest Girl in Town?

Miranda Lambert and Danica Patrick grace cover of Country Weekly. (Source: blog.gactv.com)

This was brought to my attention yesterday by Lisa, who likes to remind me how, B-I-G of a FAN I am regarding Princess Perma-pout, aka Danica Patrick... By always keeping me uh-breast of the Queen ‘O ‘RASSCAR’s latest activities; as surely Lisa musta been smirking mightily as she told me the latest on thee High Priestess ‘O NutCarz, right?

Said there’s  some gal who looks eerily similar to the ‘Juan you had your  picture taken with in Indy on the eve of the 2011 Victory Banquet - when Miss Blue Dress posed with you before making a beeline for the safer confines of the J.W. Marriott’s inner-sanctum.

*DannaStar*

So what ‘bout this gal in the video? Oh, it looks like Dan-Dan-danica helping out on Miranda Lambert’s “Fastest Girl in Town...” NO word on whether or NOT this had anything to do with her Crew Chief Tony Eurie Jr. being fired or not? As reputedly ‘lil Ironhead, aka Dale earnhart Jr. the face of Junior Motorsports was overheard telling Eurie Jr. “You’re a little bit Country and I’m a whole lotta Rock ‘N Roll,” now gida long ‘lil doggie; Hya!

Miranda Lambert & Danica Patrick are CW Cover girls

ALMS and Grand Am merge - finally

Although this is old news by now, nevertheless it’s significant and seemingly was overlooked during all of the hypefest surrounding the B-I-G IndyCar season finale at Fontana...

As I first heard of it when reading Gordon Kirby’s latest piece on the Delta Wing Sports Car being set to compete in this year’s upcoming Petit Lemans at Road Atlanta. Then I found it strange that the top article upon thee ‘Interwoods was from Business News... As Don Panoz, the founder of the American Le Mans Series and the France family, owners of the rival Grand Am series have finally agreed to mergification in 2014.

Thus it seems somewhat ironic that I’d previously watched Derek Bell on Wind Tunnel explaining how in his mind Sports Cars would never be able to go forward until it was a single unified series...

As it seems like Porsche musta knew ‘Somme-thun? Or just clever enough to await the ACO’s new for 2014 Le Mans rules before making its intended Sports Cars comeback; which now could potentially be spearheaded by The Captain?

Thus, it’ll be interesting to see how this all shakes out, since I find the ALMS machinery far more technically advanced over the Daytona Prototype’s platforms, not to mention that the ALMS features four distinct categories vs. Grand Am’s current two, i.e.; DP & GT, although there’s reportedly a new GX class being unveiled next year for experimental machinery... Perhaps this is akin to the “Project 56” entry spot upon le Circuit de Sarthe? Although I’m assuming it’s an actual racing category. Or perhaps is a response to the American Le Mans Series Green challenge; which I learned a great new word ‘bout Up North Eh! Where Pamela called it ‘green-WASHING!

And I’m interested in how this will align with the ACO & FIA’s World Endurance Series (WEC) which a la the Rolex 24 at Daytona being Grand Am’s signature event; and Mobil 1’s 12hrs of Sebring being the ALMS’s respectively; while Le Mans, arguably the top ‘Kuhuna ‘O endurance racing is Europe’s Superbowl for Sports Cars.

Thus, could we finally see a return of truly international racing by featuring all three of these events in one championship? As Le Mans and Sebring are already part of the WEC’s inaugural season this year.

Then if this linkage can be made, all we’ll need for truly epic Sports Cars competition is for la Scuderia (Ferrari) to join Porsche in the 2014 endurance renaissance; although both are firmly ensconced in the GT Categories, and Porsche powered DP’s have raced, even winning the rolex 24 overall in 2009... Both manufacturers don’t currently have their own prototypes available, as Ferrari’s last BIG car was the 333SP.

Yet I’m presuming the new racing series will stick with closed top coupes, which is also mandated for Le Mans top LMP1 category in 2014...

Ferrari Mania...

’Whale, it’s finally happened - once again... When initially I’d think it was pretty kOOL to hear the news that a Formula 1 Constructor and its longtime sponsor were set to celebrate a historic achievement; BUTT!

And I suppose if you look hard enough, you can find the evil in any of today’s current large sponsor conglomerates, right? I mean just take HVM Racing and its Glow-in-the -Dark Nuclear Entergy association, eh? As surely the ‘Luddi lump coulda used some nuclear fission to propel it this year, right? Or perhaps this is why the Lotus engines went KUHBLAMOE so often?

Thus unfortunately Royal Dutch Shell PLC falls into this category - having just read how they’ve suffered a setback in their  attempts to pillage the Alaskan Arctic in hopes of finding Gold in ‘Dem Dar Hills; Err 20,000 Leagues under the sea...

Shell’s Arctic drilling suffers setback

Thus, it was with the knowledge of having read this article first, that I wasn’t overly excited about the fact that Shell and Ferrari will celebrate their 500^th Grand Prix at Singapore this Sunday, which also happens to be the esteemed ‘Auntie Harriet’s 93^rd birthday; CRIKEYS! Having just listened to a very entertaining Donald Davidson interview of 86yr-old; legendary racer Ralph Liguori on Autosport Radio... Take that “Ralphie-the-Racer;” but I digress...

Ferrari and Shell to celebrate 500^th Grand Prix together at Singapore

And it makes me chuckle even further to think I’ve been watching Formula 1 prior to Shell’s inking with la Scuderia, since they sadly replaced my favourite Ferrari sponsor Agip’s logo - as that six-legged dog is ‘Juan mean lookin’ hombre! Having even gone so far as to obtain an AGIP T-shirt... As I still fondly reminisce ‘bout standing in front of la Scuderia single seaters with the names of BLOODY ‘NIGE and Gerhard Berger at the Ferrari museo with these wicked logo’s a dozen years ago...

Yeah, I know it’s a Freakin’ Italian Oil company, but this was a decade before BP had its little oil spill in the Gulf and now the powers-to-be have bowed to the wishes of Shell while gambling they won’t have an accident in the pristine Arctic!

Also included in James Allen story above is the brief mention of Felipe Massa leading the Guinness World Record of 964 Ferrari’s ontrack at once at Silverstone recently, which woulda been ultra kOOL to witness!

Meanwhile, ever wonder what politicians do on their time off? Perhaps Y’all spotted Texas Governor Rick Perry being interviewed on the grid at Monza, Italy by SPEED’s “Willie Buxom. (Will Buxton) Hmm? Perhaps this is what part of the GROTESQUE ticket fees for this year’s Austin Grand Prix goes to? As not only did the media SUCK UP to Gov. Perry... But then he had to go hang out in Maranello afterwards and be wined ‘N dined by the fine folks at la Scuderia. As the Governor & his wife surely dined at the Ferrari restaurante before he had to go for a spin around Fiorano in a 458 Italia spyder...

Rick Perry in Hotseat at Ferrari HQ

The Tomaso Files: Summer is Fini edition...

Seams like summer has disappeared in the blink ‘O an eye, literally... As the IndyCar series seems like a mighty convoluted mess to Mwah - I suppose for several reasons, i.e.; 3-week disruption due to farcical China race cancelation and that bright thingy outside - momentarily; called the Sun! Not to mention the chance to get Out ‘N Aboot, more specifically awayz from thee Confuzer and give ‘Lucy; my as-STEAMED! Screen-reader some time off; Hya!

Thus, if you’re looking for a riveting Fontana finale re-cap here; PHYSCE! You’ll haveda wait until I can poond it out upon my keyboard, as my typing speed seems to be diminishing these dazes... (Perhaps since my ‘Noggin is racing in several opposing directions regarding story ideas continously!)

Adding to this discombulation with all things Open Wheel Racing, i.e.; F1 and IndyCar was the fact that I ended up taking a 10-day trip to Florence, Oregon over the Labour Day weekend to visit friends, the Sand Dunes, the Ocean, Campgrounds and the sound of the Fog horn & roaring ocean off in the distance...

Thus I found it funny how the suspense of NOT knowing who was on first; Err who’d won the Baltimore race was momentarily shattered by somebody leaving me a cryptic voicemail going BOO-HOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOO... SHEISA! As I fumbled to hit the ERASE button before the entire races outcome was divulged! As Mary Ellen had a good chuckle when I told her I think somebody just told me that my driver Will Power didn’t win the race; URGH!

Thus, apparently the Herculean No Fenders Feelgood Mojo effort was to NO avail, as I’d Spent the entire Baltimore weekend proudly sportin’ my brand spankin’ new Will Power T-shirt in Florence, to which our most amiable hosts pondered out loud: Is that really his name?

VIDEO: Will Power interviews Sarah Fisher

Thus, one week later, I sat down to watch; Err listen to my taped coverage of both qualifying and the race in thy nick ‘O time, since I’d need to clog-up the recorder at 10PM that evening in order to tape the Italian Grand Prix replay followed by the GP2 race...

Hence, I wasn’t overly surprised to see that duh Peacock-lite (NBC Sports Network) is firmly following in the footsteps of Duh Douche! Aka ESPN2 and its fine family ‘O Dizney Shoppin’ Networkz... As I’d set the ‘Ol Memorex recordin’ machine according to the info provided prior to my departure for Oregon... As guess what? They bumped IndyCar36 once again in favour of some STUPID Stick ‘N Ball Talking Heads instead... Hmm? And Kevin Lee wonders why IndyCar is getting such a LOW TV rating on his employer’s (NBCSN) television channel, eh?

Thus I watched a fairly entertaining ‘qualie show where it was noted that the following seven drivers: J.R. Hildebrand, “Grahamcracker,” (Graham Rahal) le Hamburgular, (Sebastain bourdais) ‘MarkyMarc (Marco Andretti) Justin ‘BIG UNIT Wilson and “Symone Pagenoe” (Simon Pagenaud) ALL were participants in christening Baltimore’s Mean Streets Chicane, a la Circuit Gilles Villeneuve’s Champion’s Wall that most satirically sez’ “Welcome to Quebec!” upon I-T! (In French naturally...)

Of course I was ecstatic with Power’s Pole-run and summarily thought he’s got I-T in duh bag, right? As we all know the outcome of that race, as my new Numero Uno Bad Hombre ‘BULLY-RAY! Threw down upon his competition and stormed to his fourth win of the season; SHEISA!

Thus it’s funny thinking how Power got screwed in the Pits once again, or was it pit strategy? As I seem to recall that his previous chief strategist Clive Howe; or is it Howell? Which makes me think of Gilligan’s island who I believe had a Howell upon it? As Clive somebody got removed in favour of Tim Cindric - who I’m NOT calling for his removal; BUTT! You just haveda really wunder what’s going on at Team Penske these days... Although ALL will be made right if Power finally WINS his first ICS title Saturday night in Fontana...

Thus I found myself transfixed on the floor of the No Fenders office listening gleefully to the morning & evening practice sessions - along with the day’s qualifying session via Zed Internetz IMS Radio Network connection via Indycar.com... Which Eureka! Worked 93% of the time... Only dumping upon Mwah during the final minutes of the evening’s extra-stoppage time coverage of final practice...

Yet I still don’t understand why I’m NOT allowed the freedom to choose between browser choices as Internetz Exploder immediately defaults to the m.mobile website and Moozilla doesn’t activate the screen saver... STRANGE SHIT SHERLOCK! But Hey, it kinda perfectly sums up the current state ‘O IndyCarz, eh? Hooah!

And I raised a glass ‘O Guinness to Bob Friday night, as most appropriately the IMSRN BoothBoyz Mike “Yippee-Aye-eh!” King  & Mark “Graveley” James spent several minutes commiserating with Bob Jenkins over his impending retirement from fulltime TV broadcasting... As Bob was his usual unflattering self; saying I don’t get it, it’s just a guy retiring who’ll be replaced by somebody else... Hopefully Brian Till - who seems far less rough around the edges than Kevin Lee...

Then in preparations; or is ‘Dat Preparation H? I decided I’d better go for my semi-regular ‘Walkabout to get some fresh air Saturday morning... Especially since I was preparing to do the unthinkable later that afternoon by watching the whole BLOODY 80-minutes Pre-race preamble in honour of Messer Jenkins... As really NBCSN; 80 F$$KING ‘My-nutes ‘O dribble ‘bout who’ll win the title; WTF? Perhaps you’re tryin’ to make-up for LOST revenue the old fashioned way? I mean you wunder why you’re getting a point-3 rating with your FREAKIN’ Infomercial pre-race snooze-fest? Oh Never Mind!

Thus it was funny as I passed the neighborhood’s Frisbee-golf course and two middle-aged dudes were summarily blocking the sidewalk in heated conversation over what Frisbee weighed less... Hence making me chuckle to myself over how Boyz will be boys - always seeking “The Unfair Advantage,” which is vintage trademark Penske-speak... As after all the phrase was coined back in the Mark Donohue era when he and The Captain were always looking for ‘Uber-clever ways to outthink ‘n outfox the competition...

Thus, I hope this esoteric thought is a good omen for my guy ‘DJ-WillyP in Saturday Nite’s “Knife fight” for the coveted Indy Car Series title, as I really DON’T wanna be crushed again for the third year in-a-row! Which is wy appropriately my beer ‘O choice for the evening, as in 17:50 is Fosters time, Mates! As I’ll need a gulp of the iced Fosters ‘Oil-can to get ridda my pre-race blues; Hya! So good luck Will Power, as I dunno what it means; BUTT! Scarily my Golden Oldies station is playin’ Lynnard Skynard’s “They Call Me the Breeze” right now, which I suppose is aptly suited to one of the two title competitors, right? 

Salute Bob!

UPDATE

'Whale apparently I was so bummed over Will Power's inexplicable spinning top maneuver into the wall when trying to overtake eventual Indy Car Series champion 'Bully-Ray; Err Ryan Hunter-Reay that I didn't even bother scribblin' anythingy 'bout I-T afterwards... Although at least it wasn't nearly as DESPICABLE as the prior year's season ending disaster at 'los wages, which I scribbled my Post-race thoughts in;

INDYCAR: Taking A Hard Look in the Mirror

Zanardi on Wind Tunnel

According to Kevin Lee of Indiana Pacers RELIEF Broadcasting fame... ‘Somme-thun to do with third-quarter trivia allowing the announcers to make a potty-break and grab a hot dog... Err, of Trackside fame with the previous Pacers wit via cohort ‘N crime Curt Cavin - ‘El Zorro, aka Alex Zanardi fresh off his brilliant Paralympics debut in London, where he grabbed two gold’s and one silver medal in his three events, will appear on Wind Tunnel with Dave Despain this Sunday evening at 6PM PACIFIC - and will be most likely tasked upon his potential interest at the Indy 500 next year...

Zanardi on racing Indy 500

And I specifically chose today’s date to post this Zanardi tidbit - since ironically it marks the eleven-year anniversary of his Nightmare in Germany, which I’ve previously scribbled ‘bout in;

Zanardi - Ten Years later

As I still say the perfect solution would be to make him the honorary IZOD 2X Seater’s chauffer at the Brickyard next year; or at least the Pace Car driver... After all, how kOOL would it be seeing the Pace Car serving up a batch ‘O celebratory Zanardi ‘Doughnuts!

Professor Sid Watkins dies

In case you haven’t heard, longtime stellar F1 Medical ‘Guru Professor Sid Watkins has died at the age of 84 - yesterday in London hospital following his bout with cancer...

There are several excellent articles floating about Zed Internetz, including Grizzled ‘Journo Joe Saward’s Sid, which gives a more in-depth look at his upbringing; whilst I’ve included the Guardian’s story - where I first heard the news this morning for its insight upon his wicked modesty... Noting if the bums at his hospital called him Sid, then surely his protégé could!

F1 leads the tributes for Sid Watkins, its long-time medical delegate

As mentioned in the story above, it was ‘Prof who saved the lives of ‘Rubino, (Rubens Barrichello) Martin Donnelly, Mika Hakkinen and Gerhard “blockhead” Berger to name just a few... As I’d also assume he was instrumental in saving Karl Wendlinger’s  life - not  to mention countless others with his continuous push for driver safety on and off-track; be it Formula 1, GP2, F2, GP3 or the countless minor “Junior” series and grass-roots Formulaes.

Sadly, my most current memory of Dr. Watkins comes from the great SENNA documentary, with his famous quip to Ayrton Senna: “Lets just go fishing...” Prior to the Brazilian’s death on Black Sunday at Imola in 1994...

Watkins family thanks F1 community as tributes pour in for Sid

My Last Grand Prix...

Even when thieves poach his Hublot, Uncle Bernaughty makes out smellin’ like a rose; as he could be heard singin’ I’ve Got  You, Babe - all the way to the bank! (Source: topgear.com)

HOLY TICKET FIXING SCHEMES BATMAN!

SHEISA!

Had originally planned to post this upon 9/11 in honour of No Fenders 6^th birthday; BUTT! Got distracted instead... Yet, now Y’all will know how my dig towards Governor Perry ties in, eh?

WOW! Now I know how that woman felt in Nantucket when Jay Penske PISSED ALL OVER her boots! As I just had the personal experience of having Bernie the Malevolent PISS ALL OVER ME! And he did it from afar - not to mention he didn’t even haveda unzip his fly ‘N get his hands dirty ‘cause he had somebody else do it for him...

Perhaps you’re wunderin’ what this latest Tomaso tirade is all about? ‘Whale it involves the sport I once so dearly ‘LUV’ed, thee pinnacle ‘O motorsport known as Formula 1. As I’ve just been severely HOSED by the fine folks at COTA, which I’ve been awaiting traveling to ever since the announcement was made that they’d dropped trow, bent over and Err, gladly paid Uncle Bernaughty Thursday for a  Formula One race today...

And thus, with all of the nefarious polemics cast upon his willing subjects; will there, won’t there be a Grand Prix in Austin, as perhaps Y’all recall Mr. Bernard Ecclestone cheekily telling SPEED’s whipping boy Willy Buxom (Will Buxton) that Austin only needed two things to get its race: “A Pen and Money!”

Its been this type of BULLSHIT that led me to delay my acquisition of airplane & race tickets - which I did in the wrong order and henceforth made a Gynormous mistake - to which I believe ‘Meesh would then type  the letters FML!

Having already purchased my Aeroplane ticket and not opting for travel in$urance, which I doubt I could have cancelled anyways - just to skip goin’ to Austin ‘cause I didn’t wanna pay the Pied Piper - I decided I’d better finally get around to securing my F1 race tickets, right? Which surely there’d be plenty ‘O those 3-day $160 General Admission tickets available - especially nearly three months ahead of time, right?

Thus I placed a call Monday afternoon (Aug 27) directly to the Circuit Of The Americas (COTA) and told the friendly female voice answering my call I wished to purchase tickets for the forthcoming USGP. Very good Sir, what typed of tickets were you looking for? Two GA tickets please... Oh, I’m sorry Sir, ALL of our General Admission  seats were sold out three weeks ago, and our bleacher seats sold out one week ago; WTF? You’ve gotta be kidding, right? NO Sir, but we’ve still got plenty ‘O Premium Seats available... Sigh, how much are those? Oh, we’ve got plenty of good seats starting at $400, along with $553 and $800 seats available... FUCK! What do I do if I’ve already purchased an Aeroplane ticket and don’t wanna spend that much? You could try the secondary market, i.e.; Ticket City, Craig’s List or Ebay, but those might be going for the same $400 price... SHEISA-SHEISA-SHEISA!!!

Being so dumbfounded over this discovery - I simply hung-up and called my Austin, Texas connection instead... As I’m overly leery of secondary markets for F1 tickets right now after having just read about countless fans being SCREWED over by an English ticket seller for the British GP...

‘Whale, did Yuhs tell ‘em you’re BLIND! The voice on the other end of the telephone asked? NO! I was so shocked that I couldn’t even think of this response. Well you’d better call ‘em back & see what they say... Right, I’ll get on that pronto...

So I called COTA again and got a different salesperson - naturally, who I said I was trying to buy tickets for the USGP and I’m legally blind and am looking for two seats, one for Mwah and an accompany ant. Yes, we have ADA seats available. He really threw the word ADA around 3-times, as in Americans with Disabilities Act; SMOOTH! (SEE why I feel like somebody was PISSING on me, eh?)

I’ve got two Sir in Section 15 Row 36; BUTT! My only problem Sir is; I don’t know if those are $400 or $800 seats since the “Premium;” can you say PREMIERE! $800 seating starts at Row-35...

Uhm, you’ve gotta absolutely be joking right? Handicap seating at $800-a-pop; WTF??? You mean it’s the Handicapped person’s fault you don’t have enough accommodations that DON’T cost $800 per-seat? Is there somebody else I can speak to about this? One moment Sir...

Otay, I just talked to our VP of Marketing; he says you can pay $400 per seat and we’ll just stick you somewhere else we can accommodate you in for wheelchair seating...

Look, I’m legally blind - I DON’T use a wheelchair but do need accommodating... Well in that case Sir, my best recommendation would be to purchase two of our $400 “Premium” seats which feature better viewing. These seats do have extended legroom, feature seat backs and drink holders; URGH! (Otay, so I made the cup holders reference up, but you get the point...)

Thus, whimpering spreadin’ my cheeks ‘N taking it up my derriere... I reluctantly said ok, go ahead, what’s your best $400 seats remaining; two please. Very well Sir, I’ve booked your two seats for $800 and there’s a $20 processing fee... BLEEP! Does that include shipping? Yes Sir, we’ll be happy to mail them to you, should I proceed?

Thus having completed this transaction, I hung up the phone and felt absolutely GUTTED! Noting-to-self I haven’t felt that SICK to my stomach since riding the bus to the wrong Transit Centre and potentially being STRANDED by depositing myself at a bus stop where there’s  NO-longer any connections home...

Therefore, I spent the next few hours feeling totally ASHEN FACED afterwards... As the thoughts that pinballed thru my cranium were absolutely nauseating... Thinking back to having just read some witty repartee over P.T. Barnum’s death; you know the due that said: “There’s A Sucker born Every Minute!” As a whole different universe flashed in front of my face...

Thinking how I’d forgone seeing my numero uno rock band RUSh at Key Arena this November over riding two Aeroplanes to Austin instead on the very day of the concert!

As seriously folks; I find it majorly DISGUSTING that COTA (or any other circuit promoter) would be so fiendish to charge a disabled person $400 to sit in a plastic chair, or even better yet a wheelchair - not to mention being unable to even tell said person where his seating location would be...

And for years I’ve been trying to figure out why Indianans’ are so harsh towards Formula 1? As I always thought it was simply something against Foreigner’s... As I’ve spent many moments yelling at thee Confuzer when hearing Kevin Lee & Curt Cavin mention COTA’s impending implosion, along with other sarcasm over the race never bearing fruition. And I’m not so naive to NOT know just how much of a piranha Messer Ecclestone is; BUTT! MOTHER FUCKER! I never, ever in a million years thought I’d be saying Good-on-Ya Mate! (Tony George) Aye Karumba! As I now today applaud George’s decision to not be taken hostage by Bernie and F1 when trying to negotiate an extension for the USGP at Indianapolis...

And I’ve been an Aficionado of Formula One racing for over 25-years now, and can hear these words ringing LOUDLY in my ears... After having recently listened to F1 hopeful Connor Daily on autosport Radio belaboring the necessity of an American in Formula 1 to get the states interested in the sport - I’m afraid to say Connor, you’re wrong! Since gouging the SHIT out of the potential fan base is NOT how you grow an audience... HELL! Even Tony got that aspect right by charging unbelievably REASONABLE prices for Grand Prix tickets, as in $10-Friday practice; $15-Saturday Qualifying and $85-Raceday seats, which is what I shelled out to sit in Turn-2 this year at Indy...

But as Connor also noted on Autosport Radio, when he told some of the Force India F1 boyz he was going home for vacation during early August, one Force India personnel quickly shot back you Are home... As in you’d better make Europe home mentally or you’ll NEVER succeed in F1 boy!

And part of my insistence to attend this year’s Grand Prix is since it’s an inaugural event, which I haven’t participated in since Phoenix, 1989’s Iceberg GP. As I’m laughing myself silly thinking how much blather has been wasted upon Eddie “Duh Goose” Gossage threatening to pull his IndyCar race if there’s a race in Houston and Austin...

As I’d now agree with Kevin & Cavin its only a matter of time until Formula One prices itself out of the Lone Star state, as surely Gossage doesn’t have anything to worry about while I’m guessing Red McCombs is betting he can get his money back before the fans turn their back over the exorbitant prices, eh?

As I’ve been fortunate enough to experience the splendor of F1 in Italy, Germany, Japan, England and Australia. Not to mention having attended the USGP four times previously; twice in Phoenix and twice at Indy.

And I still have Spa and Circuit gilles Villeneuve on my mythical “bucket-list,” precariously clinging to dreams of visiting the Arden forest one day along with Eau Rouge at thee mighty Spa-francorchamps; BUTT! I don’t believe I can consciously support the money-grubbing efforts of Bernie Ecclestone any further!

As I know he DOESN’T give a SHIT about a little piss-ant two-bit F1 Aficionado - to the point that I’ve spent the past six-years (Tuesday, Sept 11) pouring my heart ‘N soul into scribbling ‘bout I-T on Zed Internetz upon my ‘lil BLOB thingy; BUTT! Enough-is-Enough! As I’m seriously contemplating NEVER buying a single piece of  Formula 1 merchandise  again; as in the day Uncle Bernaughty finally cooked my goose - and to think I’ve been wanting to put my Formula 1 Diecast collection into some primo display cases for several years now; FUCk! Don’t even wanna contemplate how many thousands I’ve spent on it ALL! As may be? I should just focus upon IndyCar from now on...

As I was truly so DISGUSTED with the BAD taste left in my mouth that I decided to skip recording my favourite racetrack’s event - Spa and set the recorder for the Baltimore Indy Car Series weekend instead!

Thus, it seems somewhat symbiotic that the very person I mentioned at the top of the story just attended his debutant IndyCar race and was thoroughly BLOWN AWAY! Most notably by the friendliness and accessibility given to the Fans - noting INDYCAR GETS IT! And that doesn’t even include how the series isn’t RAPING its Fans over ticket prices...

California Dreamin’ Initial impressions