Otay, so much for
being short 'N sweet, eh? As here we are Folks, on the third truncated portion
of my ever expanding annual year's end
Golden Tailpipe Awards...
Story of the Year
While the stories of Uncle Bernaughty's cheque
writing, Tony Stewart's unfortunate collision with Kevin Ward Jr. 'Duh Chase,
Mother Speedway, Funding Gate, Steve Kinser's retirement; PSYCHE! Just
Kidding... And countless others come to mind.
The
Good, Bad and Ugly...
Sadly, for Mwah, the worst story of the year
unfortunately is the horrific mishap Marussia F1 driver Jules Bianchi endured
at Suzuka this past October. As fortunately the 25yr old Frenchman has been
flown home to continue recovery in Nice, but probably has a long, difficult
road to recovery, which former F1 medical delegate Gary Hartstein summed up in;
As obviously, Jules hit was far worse than 'DER
TERMINATOR's, aka Michael Schumacher, as another injured F1 driver's prognosis doesn't sound
encouraging for either...
The Bad story of the year for Mwah, excluding the aforementioned Uncle Bernaughty Bribery Sham,
IndyCar's scheduling stupidity, etc, was the travesty I'm dubbing
"Caterham Kroc-gate!" As it all was a
Crockpot full 'O nasty surprises, as I'm not sure who laid the biggest
TURD! Tony Fernandes, Mystery Oasis Financiers, FIA or the Administrator? As
the whole execution of this once prosperous F1 Team was most disheartening, to
say the least...
And turning these frowns "Upside Down,"
the "Bestest" story of the year
for Mwah was "Girl Power!" As Erica Enders-Stevens became only
the third woman in NHRA history to win a championship en route to becoming the
first ever female to win the Pro Stock title, while the soon to be Courtney
Force-Rahal scored her fourth "Wally" en route to winning the 100th race
for female NHRA competitors at Topeka, Kansas. Courtney then became the sport's
winningest female Funnycar driver upon winning at Sonoma, eclipsing her sister
Ashley Force Hood's record of four victories. And for good measure, Courtney
tacked on another two "W's" with further wins in Texas and St
Louis...
Post-race Banquet
As already noted, when the green flag was dropped some
72 FREAKIN' hours ago... These very NON-Scientific selections may or may not
have been fueled by the "Pump-grade" high octane induced Eggnog; Hya!
As there is still Eggnog for sale, right? While my various Award categories
shouldn't be too shocking, eh? Although I've sprinkled in a few of my own
sundry categories...
Driver of the Year
Otay, might as well get the obvious outta duh way,
eh? As I'll stick to the Mainstream picks here instead of my sentimental
favourites, although I did enjoy Curty Cavin's "Indiana Top-10"
choices...
F1: Lewis Hamilton
Although for selfish reasons, I wanted Nico
Rosberg to win the title... Yet I'm quite certain I would have been in a pickle
with this, as Lewis Hamilton was indeed the deserving and worthy champion, as
it'd have been a travesty if Lewis's
superior 10-wins, Pre-Abu Dhabi had lost out to Rosberg (5-wins) via what I've
told people to be "Trickery!" Not upon Nico's fault but thy BASTARDATION of Double Points; YIKES!
CAN
YOU HEAR ME NOW INDYCAR?
Yet, that being said, I have to say that I
felt Hamilton already had I-T in the bag
pre "Abu Double," as it was just something in the way he was carrying
himself; Swagger? which for the most part he did much better this year, albeit
I still recall moments of snottiness...
Yet, Lewis drove superbly all season long,
and was "Master of his
Domain," with two runs of multiple race wins in-a-row and deservedly is
now a double world champion, not to mention having bypassed somebody named
Nige' for most successful British driver ever...
IndyCar: Will Power
Having become a huge fan "O DJ WillyP's
(Will Power) 'Wayback in 'Twenty-oh-Nine after a very brief, but most enjoyable
One-on-One "Meet 'N Greet" at Mother Speedway's Hall of Fame museum,
with the 'Aussie straggling 'round solo, I've rooted massively for Power to win
the championship; hence naturally being gutted over his past failures! And having
endured many bouts of choking sounds from others...
and like Pressdog said recently, good for
Will, as we won't have to worry 'bout
him slitting his wrists by doing a "Jim Kelly," nee Buffalo Bills
ZERO "N Four Super Bowl losses rendition; Hya! As it's been a treat to
watch Power finally master the Ovals to add to his already 'Mega 'Twisty prowess,
not to mention getting to heap more pressure on him by telling him to BEAT
'HULIO at Sonoma..
Then watch him persevere by making lemonade
out of the lemon he looked set to score by spinning while leading the race, by
coming home P10 instead, ahead of Castroneves. So Congrats Will, you've finally
done I-T and deserve to be the 2014 Indy Car Series champion!
Car of the Year
Uh Duh!
Can Y'all say
Mercedes W05-Hybrid! As it's amazing that somebody's actually bested genius
Adrian Newey and his all conquering Red Bull chassis. Hey Red Bull does give
you flexible wings; Hya!
As it doesn't hurt
that the Mercedes PU (Power Unit) is the strongest, nee most powerful on the
grid! Add in two superb championship calibre drivers and this is the chassis to
beat...
Biggest Cock-ups of the Year
Just what I can remember, as its A-L-L a 'Wee bit
foggy now, with items in NO particular order...
Formula 1)
Schumacher Skiing accident, Bernie Gate, FIA's Impotence,
Noise Gate, Alonso Sweepstakes, Caterham Kroc-pot, Marussia Meltdown, Bianchi
accident and Minnow Gate.
What can I really say? The nebulous shadow of
Uncle Bernaughty's cheque writing to get off "Scott-free" from
Bribery charges, while a reported suspect hangs himself in prison for trying to
profit from M. Schumacher's medical records. Jean Todt's preposterous statement
that the FIA is powerless vs. F1 Fraternity... The pathetic transfer of
ownership of Caterham after Tony Fernandes got tired of his new toy! And Bernie the Benevolant's 180-degree
U-turn after proclaiming NO Begging Bowls here, in regards to the unfair
distribution of the F1 prize fund. As isn't it funny how quickly Mr. E went
into full damage control after Force India, Lotus and Sauber correctly hinted
at the F1's Cartel with the EU now wishing to take a closer look, eh?
IndyCar)
Toronto Rain-fest
- Day 1, I500 Qualifying broadcast, I500 Qualifying format, Schedule and
continuation of Double Points...
And whilst the racing for the most part was
very good On-track, it seems to Mwah's jaundiced eye, that IndyCar's still got
problems. As I don't fault Mother Nature for the Toronto rainfest, instead
just somewhat bemused over IndyCar's indecision
on when to cancel the day's proceedings.
As for the Indy 500, the race was excellent
as always, just simply cannot stomach the new muddier qualifying format, points
system or the abomination of the 2hr "riveting" INFOMERCIAL Top-9
Pole Shootout - which after more than an hour's blather I simply said FUCK I-T!
And switched off thy Telie. And that's before we even get to the dastardly
contrived manipulation of Double Points, specifically the season finale!
Most Improved Team of the Year
F1: 'Team Willy (Williams Martini Racing)
Suppose this should be obvious, right? After
all, the storied Grove based squad made a massive recovery from its previous
season's dismal ninth place finish upon scoring an ultra embarrassing 5-points!
As obviously the switch to Mercedes power was certainly one of the catalysts in
this change 'O fortunes. Yet let's not overlook the shoring up of the Technical
Dept with Pat Symonds and Rob Smedley to name just a few, along with the
inspired driving of Felipe Massa and Valtteri Bottas, and it's easy to see why
they finished ahead of la Scuderia in this year's Constructor's championship!
IndyCar: Ed Carpenter Racing
Funny how I couldn't think of anybody
originally, and then it hit me like a lightning bolt; EUREKA! As how could it
not be ECR, after 'FAST EDDIE's shrewd move to check his ego and hire Mike
"Ice-Ice, Baby!" Conway for the Twisty portion of the calendar. And
team boss Ed Carpenter showed that none of his Oval skills were lacking by
claiming his second consecutive Pole at Mother Speedway; with Carpenter winning
at Texas and Conway taking wins at Long Beach and Toronto, (Race-2) it was a
marked improvement over the previous incarnations of "Fuzzy Wuzzy"
racing...
Most Disappointing Teams
Couldn't decide upon just one team this season...
F1: Ferrari, Sauber
My initial choice was Sauber, who after all
had an ultimately dismal season this year, as I'm thinking it's their first
time ever to not score a single championship point in a season? As I'm NOT
cutting the Himwal Gang any slack, especially since their lower Ferrari powered
"Brethren" Marussia finished ahead of them with 2-points; but! Surely
the Ferrari's PU (Power Unit) lack 'O grunt didn't help either.
And normally, I'd surmise that finishing
fourth overall in the vaunted F1 Constructor's "Derby" wouldn't be
seen as bad, but alas, this is thy mighty Scuderia Ferrari we're talking 'bout
here, as arguably this was their worst season in x years!
As I doubt we'll ever know truly the deficiencies
of the Ferrari PU, since Red Bull's Chris Horner claims the Renault PU is 75bhp
shy of the mighty Merc! Yet the wholesale flushing of current key personnel, a
la the chairman of Ferrari NO less, along with his chosen lieutenants, surely
must leave us wondering just how Seb' Vettel & Co will right this
floundering ship, eh?
IndyCar: A.J. Foyt, Rahal Letterman Lanigan
While I don't think A.J. Foyt Enterprises was
terrible overall, nevertheless seems like they had many flukes including
bungled Pit-stops, etc, whilst 'Ol 'R, aka Robin Miller was pretty crucial over
Taku-san, nee Takuma Sato's driving, which for Mwah has always been my personal
knock upon thee "Graminator," who I've taken to calling
"Grahamcracker" instead...
As for whatever reason, Graham Rahal just
seems to find a way to not finish the Dealio! Although I was quite happy over
his demise at Texas garnering Justin 'B-I-G UNIT Wilson a clear path to victory
lane!
And it's not like he's had bad equipment, as
how can driving for Chip Ganassi fall into this category? Even if Ryan Briscoe
didn't exactly light-up the G2 Afterburners either. As Graham's move to his
poppa Bobby's team has so far to date failed to show any marked improvement in
his driving, as HELL! I tend to recall that Graham had a battle Royale with
departed ex-team-mate James Jakes; YOUCH!
Comeback Driver of the Year
Just can't quit hitting the keys on this thingy;
Hya! As I was trying to figure out how to squeeze in some more worthy Driver
picks and Wallah!
F1: Felipe Massa
How 'Uber refreshing to see the affable
Brazilian come out of his shell, after being hampered mightily by Ferrari, who
snuffed out a large portion of his competitive spirit by telling him
"Fernando's FASTER Than You!"
As I was very happy to hear Felipe tell
"Team Willy" to GO F%%K YOURSELF! When a similar order was transmitted
early in the season, as Massa was the only driver besides the Silver Arrows duo
to capture a Pole position this season! Along with some very inspired late
season drives, as I really wanted him to win Abu Double and get the Monkey off
his back...
IndyCar: Juan Pablo Montoya
Doesn't seem fair to be placing the Columbian here, but, what a breath
"O fresh air Monty' was, as he definitely wasn't playing favourites
between his Penske team-mates and made them both work for their successes. As
it was fantastic to witness Montoya win at Pocono this year, along with his
ultra effusive attitude during the Sonoma Driver's autograph session...
Although in hindsight, he wasn't gripped in the title fight by that time, so he didn't need to be as stoic as his team-mates
were...
Big ‘Boyz Pants Award
Unheralded Open Wheel Racing Series Rising Starz
Originally derived from one of the countless gems
thee "Mayor 'O Hinchtown's" cast out, as its now become my catch-all
for driver phenoms I've failed to recognize in the meandering other Golden
Tailpipe Award categories...
F1: Valtteri Bottas, Nico Rosberg, and Romain Grosjean.
Valtteri Bottas simply waxed his F1 ex-world
champion countryman Kimi this year with an outstanding fourth place in the
Driver's standings, with even whispers as Raikkonen's future replacement at
Scuderia Ferrari, surely he's a star in the making!
Nico Rosberg, who's star was already in ascendency,
surely turned heads this year by giving Mercedes team-mate Lewis Hamilton all sorts of trouble, along
with making the Brit work mightily for his second title...
And although I suppose the jury's still out
upon Grosjean, who originally was called a "Nutter" amongst other
unflattering criticism, nevertheless has shown brilliantly in 2013 what he can
do given a proper racing car, as surely it'll be interesting to see how much
Lotus improves next year with the addition of the mighty Mercedes Power Unit...
IndyCar: Simon Pagenaud, James Hinchcliffe and Jack Hawksworth.
Obviously "Symone" (Pagenaud) is truly a rising star, especially
now having been snapped up by 'El Capitano, nee Roger Penske undoubtedly as the
face of Penske Racing's future. 'Union Jack (Hawksworth) definitely seems to be
going places, as 'Taku-san's (Takuma Sato) heir apparent, and what can I say
'bout thee "Mayor 'O Hinchtown," eh? As it'll be interesting to see
if he can become a B-I-G' Time Star, having now escaped the shadow of Andretti Autosport, into
essentially team leadership role at Schmidt-Peterson-Hamilton & Co.
And that concludes this riveting 2014 Golden
Tailpipe Awards trilogy edition, as see Y'all on the other side of the New
Year...
Arrivederchi,
Tomaso
