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Advance America employees pose for a selfie in front of a
cardboard likeness of NASCAR driver Danica Patrick. (Image source: www.upstatebusinessjournal.com)
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U-S-A, U-S-A! From Now On, we're gonna make Americre
first! Americre' First!
As we A-L-L know how the President's a fine,
upstanding, women loving, devoted Family Man, whose got ZERO idea what that 'lil
Women's March rally that occurred around the world during his Coronation Day
was about? I mean like I like women, I like to touch 'em, squeeze 'em; Err Hug
'em, Ah C'mon Danica, I only wanna hold your hand! Wink-Wink, Nudge-Nudge...
As I like Strong Women, like Danica's my type
'O Gal! Even if she's got a Boyfriend, since she won't be bullied about, as how
dare those 'lil Tree Huggin' Nature Bakers; Uhm, what's this nature stuff? As
my cooks only use the best tastin' Scientifically invented Monsanto ingredients
available; As May be I'd better Tweet 'bout I-T?
Whilst Y'all might of heard 'bout Danica
Patrick's recent sponsorship issues, for which her previous title sponsor
claimed she was too busy doin' stretches on her Yoga Mat to talk ceasessly
'bout their Natural 100% Organic fig bakery bars... Or may be she was too busy
in the bathroom, Ah Contraire Wee Wee!
And now that we Done Pulled Duh Plug upon
sponsoring Queen Danica', we hear she's having a hard time payin' her rent,
although we're not sure how we can claim a conflict 'O interest regarding her
newest personal sponsor.
Danica Patrick
"They
are a company that is all about helping people, and there are a lot of things
I've done in my career that have been all about helping people."
After all, if my Gal Danica sez' they're
A-L-L 'bout helping American's being First, then I say let the 'lil Filly run
around our GURR-REAT! Country with Dem Advance Americre' stickers plastered on
the back of her helmet! After All, it's NOT like she's leaving the country
anytime soon. And we Don't have to worry 'bout her money goin' nowheres'
South...
Uhm, what's Dat? Oh Mr. President, didn't you
read the memo I left upon your desk? No, I'm too busy Tweetin' to my Daughter
right now. And remind me to send Yvana some flowers for Valentine's Day; Nah
scratch that. Hmm? May be I can convince Dem Fig lovin' Tree Huggin' Nature
Bakers to send Yvana a truck load of those Fig Bars...
Now just tell me what the memo said, I'm a
very busy man right now, I've got to build a Wall to help keep my Golf Balls
from going outta bounds', like those
smarmy, cocksure Scottish people might keep me from building a Wall round my
golf course on the Isle of White, but! We'll make Damn sure my golf balls don't
roll outta bounds' upon that hard pack Arizonan Desert turf into Vicente Fox's
backyard...
Well!
Speak up girl! Uhm, Mr. President, Advance America is owned by a Mexican
company... Oh? And what's this Mexican company's name? their name? Uh, Uhm,
it's named Groupo Elektra and it's a subsidiary of Groupo Salinas. So what's
the Problema, I thought Salinas was in Southern California...
No Mr. President, Groupo Salinas is a group
of companies a one Mr. Ricardo Salinas Pliego owns. And just who is this
Richard Salinas? Uh-hum, he's a Billionaire and Forbes magazine says he's the
fourth richest man in Mexico...
GAWD DAMM I-T! I told you NEVER to say the
word Forbes Magazine in front of me! As they say I'm only worth half of what my
Brand's worth!
Now, may be I'll need to work on some sorta
reverse Tariff bill to keep our American's money here Stateside, just as soon
as we fix up that travel ban we've been working on, and where's my Taco Salad I
ordered for lunch...