Although I doubt it’ll be as scary as War of the
Worlds!
We last left off learning about an aspiring
Tintops driver known as Oilcan Johnny growing up Down Under in the outskirts of
Truwombia wit His Flying Squirrel motorbike. And after seeking refuge in the
Formula Supreme racing series in the Orient, became a debutante Champ Car
champion.
Yet Oilcan Johnny was no longer befitting His
Wee lad’ moniker, having won His second Champ Car title. Therefore He began
going by the name of Jonathan Truxbury. Although later, many took to just
calling Him “JT” instead. In order to not confuse Him with His teammate Taffy Tonkaberg
at Betuzi Motorsports…
http://www.nofenders.net/2023/10/indy-cars-ultimate-cage-fight.html
The Canamax Formula Libre race team had a long,
storied history. With its roots taking shape during the roaring Twenties’. When
two British Blokes named Derek MacKenzey and Gordon Fitzgerald formed the
MacKensey & Fitzgerald Motor Car Company Ltd. As the pair were eager to
find a promotional “vehicle” for one of its mainstay bakery brands. As their
Somerset Millery was famously known for its Crispy Pancake Mix, which us Yanks’
prefer calling Flapjacks’, or simply Hot Cakes Up North Eh!
As their automobile company’s name was far too
long and didn’t roll off the tongue easily, they decided on the clever abbreviation
of Canamax instead.
Thanks to the rage of Bonnie & Clyde, John
Dillinger, etc. The automobile was wildly popular during those roaring Twenties.
When the Canamax Formula Libre team cemented its legacy by winning the prestigious
Carnagie Trophy three times. As the Carnagie Trophy was second only in stature to
the American Grand Prize, before the Stock Market crash of 1929.
Fast forwarding to the new millennium, American
advertising Whiz’ Preston Henry Winchester III, whom many in the paddock took
to calling Windferd’ behind His back. Had been hired to resurrect the
floundering Canamax Formula Libre team and the M & F Car company which had
changed hands multiple times. Now under control by a Lickenstein Capital Hedge
Fund conglomerate, with money to burn…
Thus Preston ambitiously set His sights upon
expansion and tapping into the vast North American market, by purchasing the
declining Breckenridge Racing Champ Car team.
As one of their drivers was the Kuhnuck’ Jaque
Dudley, who Z thought would be the perfect Pitchman for that classic Crispy
Pancakes Mix brand on the world’s biggest stage at Mother Speedway!
Yet the team failed miserably. Beginning with
failing to paint Dudley’s No. 36 racecar the wrong shade of Eggshell white!
Before ultimately failing to qualify for “The Show!” For which Windferd’ mused
if only they had guaranteed starting spots…
Next, following that year’s election, the new
Commander in Chief declared the Kuhnaidian’ Border closed to All imports and
placed huge tariffs upon that beloved Kuhnaidian’ maple syrup! Which led
Preston to unceremoniously dump Dudley from the team’s line-up. Especially
since young Jaque’s was closely tied to His country’s Chrysler automobiles and
its beloved “K” Car model, CoInky-dense, Eh? As Preston had just jumped ship to
the rival Lincoln Mercury concern…
Preston had also renamed His Champ Car entity
officially to be known as Armani Canamax Motorsports, which detractors of the
new team quickly took to calling ACME! Not to mention Whindferd’ or simply
Whinnie’ when He wasn’t within ear-shot!
Thus, Preston told everyone it would become Armani
Canamax instead. Especially since their title sponsor provided Him with a
complete wardrobe of finely tailored suits…
And as we know, Preston thought He’d cleverly
lured Oilcan, Err Jonathan Truxbury away to be His new Armani Canamax driver,
before rival Champ Car owner Franco Betuzi said not so fast Whippersnapper!
This set off an unlikely chain of events for Tfuxbury’s
replacement at Armani Canamax! With Whinnie’ settling on the young American
Jason Foxworthy. Yet unfortunately whilst celebrating His 21st birthday Jet
Skiing with friends on Lake Havasu, managed to severely fracture His shoulder!
And would never drive for the Champ Car outfit…
Next Whindferd’ hired the reigning Euro F3500
Champion Jean-Pierre Treinary, who’d won in everything He’d driven. Yet the
French racing prodigy simply lacked the necessary budget, along with not being
cleared to drive on Super Speedways in Champ Cars. Necessitating hiring veteran
journeyman Clint Baley to race at Mother speedway; once again finishing inside
the top-10. Before Armani Canamax’s Sporting Director Hugo Marques told Preston
they needed to hire a young Californian driver named Bryan Boxer – who would
become a future multi-times Champ Car Champion, before anyone else signed Him!
Thus “Teddy”, Jean-Pierre Treinary’s Stateside
nickname was quickly jettisoned due to no fault of His own, making way for the
incoming Bryan Boxer.
Meanwhile, as another rising Champ Car driver
noted during His brief dalliance as an Canamax Formula Libre test driver.
Preston’s “Cut Throat” and doesn’t like to loose, He’s a Businessman! For which
Preston had indeed began a new round of legal proceedings against presumed
Armani Canamax driver Jonathan Truxbury. Vowing to “BURY” the no good double
crossing Aussie’ Mates! And thus filed a $100 million Australian pounds lawsuit
in the capitol of Queensbury, seeking immeasurable damages!
Undeterred by this humiliating, and potentially
life altering lawsuit. Truxbury simply doubled down, tuned out the “noise” and
went to work towards claiming His third Champ Car Championship! This time
battling against fellow Aussie’ Harold Brauenbach, whom many simply called
Harry! As the two Australians leapfrogged each other for the podium’s top step.
With Truxbury coming out victorious seven times vs. Harry’s three wins.
And only suffering one rare mechanical DNF, due
to His Daihatsu’s kinetic energy system going into Fail-safe mode. Along with
an ultra rare crash on Newton’s Cornhole Short Oval. Truxbury indeed won His
third Champ Car Championship in an amazingly short four seasons. To which team
owner Chester’, aka Franco Betuzi joyously went crowd surfing at the season’s
finale in Florida!
Thus, Preston, Hugo and Armani Canamax Motorsports
had failed once again to win the coveted Hammerschmidt Cup awarded to the Champ
Car Champion each year since 2001. And that was before they’d hired their
newest Champ Car driver Anders Bernstorff to replace the outgoing Patrick
Hartley, who’d failed to win a race in His two seasons with the team…
And as ‘Ol Windferd’ began to carve the turkey
for His dinner guests. Which included All 13 of His currently employed racecar
drivers. Hugo, Dennis and All of the other 43 senior staff members, and their
families. He began mumbling out loud. How He could dish it out and take it.
But By-gummit! We didn’t cause this mess with
that G-Damn Truxbury and Betuzi! And I’m tired of everybody making Jokes about
how many drivers we’ve hired for our Champ Car team this year. Before speaking
up and asking who wants Dark or White…
Although its unclear whether or not Armani Canamax Team Principal Garret McCloud, whom just “vacated” the position was invited to the Shindig?
